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Here`s a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don`t taste like it. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist, `You know what will save the world You`re holding it in your hand.` And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said `Watch For Rocks.` Marta said it should read `Watch For PRETTY Rocks.` I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke---just to get out of writing a simple letter And I thought I was lazy - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it`s made up of two separate words---`mank` and `ind`. What do these words mean It`s a mystery, and that`s why so is mankind. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, `Why you stupid, stupid bastard` Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

I wish there was a disease where you`re afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I`m not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They`re just not ready. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it`s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up. - Jack Handey Deep Thoughts ... View Quote